Yesterday I wrote about men who can't (or won't) get over their exes. Today I'm asking the question: Should you try to get your ex back?
It's crazy isn't it?? We meet someone, we fall for them and we think the world revolves around them. We believe that we're happy. In fact we believe that we're blissfully happy. But then we start to bicker. Before long we're arguing and after one too many fights we head our separate ways. Perhaps your ex dumped you and you had little choice but to lump it. Perhaps you did the ‘dumping' and your ex is still reeling from the shock.
Why you broke up is a huge factor in whether or not you should try to get your ex back
I saw a video this morning, you can watch it yourself here. It's by a young woman with two children whose husband cheated on her and punched her in the face, giving her a black eye. It's a very raw and honest outpouring of how it feels to be her right now. She delivers her message with amazing dignity all the while her children are playing in the background. She talked about how she loved him and how she forgave him. But as the video went on she told the viewer how the man she loved had hit her and cheated on her more than once. The video broke my heart. To any woman in this situation I say that nothing should make you consider trying, or even wanting, to get your ex back. Be strong for yourself and for your children, you do not need a man who could treat you like that. Seek out the help that you need to enable you to find a safe place to recover from the betrayal and the hurt. The young woman in this video is amazing <3
But what if you just find yourself bickering all the time?
What if you don't hit each other but you just don't always get on? Does this mean you aren't compatible? (I'll be writing about compatibility later this week, so keep an eye out for the next few posts). If this is your experience, should you try to get your ex back?
I'm going to throw this question back at you! Do you think that a relationship where you bicker all the time is a good enough relationship to consider spending the rest of your life with someone? I'd say no, it isn't. I'm qualified to have this opinion because I was once that woman. I've had a few relationships where all we did was ‘fight'. Not the fisty-cuffs type of fighting but the irritatingly frequent bouts of bickering, arguing and disagreeing type of fighting. It's not a pleasant place to live, that's for sure. Also, I now know that there is a much better kind of relationship to be in.
In a funny twist, you might've seen a recent social media post featuring my last article, beneath it a woman posted a comment promoting her program and book about how to get your ex back. In her ‘blurb' she wrote “it doesn't matter how much you fight” well… I beg to differ on that one. If you're fighting to the point you break up then I'm betting that it's not a great relationship overall. I'm wondering if you really, honestly, truly want to be with someone that you fight with.
I'm not naive. I'm married (happily and still like loved up newly weds), and yes we disagree sometimes. Couples disagree. Arguing can be healthy. But not where arguing is so frequent or petty that you break up.
I'm known for not pussyfooting around, so here's my take on the question:
I have yet to meet anyone (and I'm prepared to be shown different) who should be with the person they broke up with.
I want to distinguish ‘breaking up' from having the odd tiff and storming off for a cooling down period. If you have the odd argument or tiff and one or other of you storms off to cool down, then that's not really a break-up. The kind of break up I'm talking about is where you are regularly arguing or fighting, or where one of you is cheating (perhaps like the couple in the video I shared) and as a result of this behaviour one of you ends it with the expectation and desire that this is a permanent break up. In those circumstances I'd say best to learn from the experience and then focus your efforts on finding a more suitable partner (and consider making any necessary adjustments to your behaviour if that's what drove the person a way).
This doesn't mean that you should change who you are (you can read my post about change HERE) in order to make someone love you. That would be a fools errand if ever I saw one. It does mean that if you are prone to behaviour that sabotages your relationships (and you're seeing a pattern developing) then you might want to consider letting those habits go.
So, should you try to get your ex back?
I'd say that you broke up for a reason. The reason might be nothing to do with arguing or fighting, but whatever it was it was enough to make one of you walk away. That reason isn't going to go away. It's hard losing someone (even if we broke up with them), and even someone we argue with, so work on getting through the grief of loss and then ready yourself for an even better relationship. After-all, why settle for second best, wouldn't you rather have a great relationship, than a half-ass slightly damaged relationship?
As always, if you found this post interesting or entertaining please share it. Feel free to leave a comment below, especially if you found a new love after a bad break up. Also, if you got back together with your ex and are now blissfully happy, I'd love to hear your story!